Fast forward a week - I am laid in the same position, in the same 4 walls, same hospital bed having several emotional outbursts, I was majorly struggling with any positivity yesterday and found myself feeling uncontrollably emotional.
The reality of how fast and hard a chronic illness can hit. Since testing positive for covid last week I’ve been extremely unwell not only with covid symptoms but as a result of covid I’ve contracted a bug which has made my Ulcerative Colitis flare up.
I couldn’t eat or retain water for 3 days and became extremely dehydrated. I’ve since been hospitalised and I am now on courses of IV fluids and high dose intravenous steroids to reduce the inflammation whilst they investigate what the infection is and the treatment that is required.
I usually really try my hardest to keep myself upbeat, try to recognise the small positives in each day and any situation but yesterday I was having a ‘why me’ day AND as I always say - those are ok, we are allowed those days.
I couldn’t stop thinking ‘this is my life’ I’m constantly going to be in this cycle of - when will my next flare up be? Could that cause me to flare? - I never imagined covid to have this effect on my condition but it was so easily done.
It’s hard to explain to people that having an immune system that simply does not do its job is as basic as it gets. Immune systems are there to protect us, help us fight away infections, bacteria etc. Mine does not do that, instead mine attacks my own body putting me at greater risk of contracting any illness.
I’ve not had the best 3 days experience in the hospital starting with a 9 hour wait for a bed, majority of staff being unhelpful, rude and the communication has been non existent. All of which definitely does not help when you’re feeling so low in yourself.
Receiving the right treatment is great and obviously necessary but it does not mean all the problems are solved. I swore I’d never go back on steroids but now found myself in a position where I’ve had no choice and again that’s a hard ‘pill to swallow’ (pardon the pun) as ultimately its my own body giving up on me.
Steroids are immunosuppressants which in turn causes my immune system to weaken even further and therefore - at even greater risk, such a catch 22 situation.
I have also ALWAYS had horrendous side effects with steroids and relate these drugs to the lowest points in my IBD journey, physically and mentally, which if I’m honest I can’t bare the thought of again.
HOWEVER, let’s end this on a standard positive note as I’m really trying today.
I woke up today feeling slightly more positive, I’m seeing some relief in symptoms and I also had two very helpful members of staff today. I had an urge to write today as I always find it such a release and that is exactly what I needed.
I know I’ll be ok, I always am.
However, I also know that in order to get to that place I need to allow myself to feel all the emotions; to cry when I need to, to feel sorry for myself and ultimately encourage myself to continue to celebrate the ‘small wins’.
Then I will get a grip and fast forward my clock to this time in 6 weeks when I might be a big steroid MOON face rolling round Vegas, but I’ll be there, living my best life with my favourite, most supportive humans and that is ultimately what life is really all about ❤️🥰
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