Damaged Goods..

There's certain aspects of living with a Chronic Illness which I don't often discuss. Relationships are one of those things. When you're told you have an condition which is going to be with you for life, you have no choice but to learn to live with that condition. It becomes a part of your everyday life and really a part of who you are. The part I struggle with is letting other people see this part of me.

I'm lucky when it comes to friendships I have some amazingly supportive friends, some of which fully understand and have seen the extent of what I go through. There's some of my friends I won't discuss much with and that's ok.. they're still my friends they just aren't the ones I'm most comfortable opening up too, I'll tell them what they need to know then I'll hide the rest (as much as I can). I think it's difficult for anyone to comprehend what you're experiencing when they don't have to feel it themselves, as with any invisible illness or a mental health related illness they aren't visible so can be easily over looked and forgotten about.

Anyone that knows me knows I've never really been a 'relationship' girl.. you know them girls that can't be by themselves they feel like, they have to be with someone.. anyone. Yeah that isn't me.
I remember my mum once telling me her and my grandma were discussing if I actually even like men at all.. Lol. 

I moved out when I was 18 and went to uni.. I lived with girls for 5 years and since then I've lived alone for the past 3 years, it's easy to get used to your own company and your own routine. It's amazing that, I know I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and guarantee the seat will be down!

I think along with the above since my diagnosis relationships just haven't been a priority of mine and I've never really discussed with anyone how having an illness like this does have an impact on how you feel towards others. Crohns Disease and Ulcerative Colitis are not the most glamorous conditions to discuss and there really is no way to sugar coat the symptoms at all, there's a lot of toilet talk and conversations which are simply just 'awkward' for everyone involved. I often think if I can't even fully open up about my own condition how do I expect someone else to be able to understand/offer support?
When is it a good time to tell someone you're talking to or dating that you've got IBD - I mean no one really knows what it is anyway!

I've had a few experiences in the past of comments like 'Oh you've got a disease haven't you', 'Why are you always so tired', 'you're not sleeping again are you', 'are you going to the toilet again you've just been?!' These are the sort of comments that stick in your mind when you consider letting someone else into your life and whether or not you can really quite frankly be arsed to explain when it's just so much easier to manage alone. You don't have to consider someone else's feelings, you don't have to worry about what they think of it or whether they think you're faking it because you look well from the outside or you 'seemed fine' yesterday.

I remember being at University and in a conversation with a group of people one of the boys referred to me as 'damaged goods' because I was in and out of hospital. He said it in a passing comment as though it was a joke and that it was totally okay to voice that opinion. I don't think about it often but sometimes that comment comes back into my head and I do think why would someone want to be with someone who's condition is so unpredictable and they can't just get up and do things like all the other girls my age. (Then I remind myself, that I am hilariously funny so that's definitely an upper hand I have! 😜)

One thing I hate is feeling like a burden, I don't want to feel like I have a carer or someone to 'pitty' me. I've felt this with friends before and it's totally my own feelings, when we've had to come home early because I'm not feeling great or when we've been at a festival mid way through an act and I need to go back to the tent. I'm very fortunate, none of my friends have never made me feel like my condition is a problem. It's just a natural instinct to feel like you are ruining something for someone else.

I completely understand that openly discussing IBD is not for everyone and nor is having a partner with a Chronic Illness, but I'm hopeful one day I'll be able to feel comfortable enough to accept that this is me and accept that someone else is totally fine with that too. 

For me it's my reality and my way of life, I can't switch it on and off and I can't control how it effects my body all I can do is learn how to manage what my Colitis throws at me and continue to remind myself I'm a BAD ASS B!TCH. I've survived 100% of my bad days thus far.

I've attached a photo below so you can all get a real image of my current relationship status and another reason I'm totally happy by myself, I don't need any negative energy nagging me for demolishing a large bowl of chocolate covered cornflakes in bed when I feel like crap.. 😏

That's all for now... x